winding

tempted by my pal val, i decided this week to participate in the indie ink writing challenge.

i gave a writing challenge to andrea, asking her to do something i often have trouble doing myself: find flaws in something you love. her negative review of her favorite film, love, actually, can be found on her blog.

my challenge was given by flaming nyx:

"broken pieces. scattered. in the wind."

and here we go...

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i stepped onto the precipice and felt my bare toes brace the edge. for the smallest second, i dreamt of flinging my body into the air to fight with gravity. if i was certain i wouldn't fall to the ground and instead fly above the world, i probably would have done it. that moment of freedom, i'd have given anything for. to tumble over the wind, to lose myself, to break from gravity, god i wanted to fly.

snapped from my reverie by the cold air, i remembered my purpose on that peak. i hadn't climbed to lose myself; i had come up here to lose you. you hadn't followed - i knew you wouldn't. that knowledge forced me here in the first place. knowing you wouldn't come where i lead you forced each footstep and propelled me to the top. unburdened by anything but that one scrap of paper in my hand, i felt light as air as i finally reached the edge.

i stood there, waiting to change my mind. i'd changed my mind a dozen times. made it up, thought about it, made it up a different way again and again and again. i'll probably change my mind even after this is all over. the wonderful thing, though, is that it will only be in my mind. you will be gone. you are gone.

refocusing, i couldn't afford to lose my balance up this high. i held out the photograph. faded by the sun and streaked from my tears - tears of joy, tears of heartbreak, tears of indefinable rage - it was a wonder i could even tell it was me in the photo. of course i could tell it was you, i can always see you. even when i shouldn't, even when you're not really there, even when you're trying to remain unseen. even when i try to see anything but you. there you are, there you always are. taunting and tempting, i'm sure i could spot you anywhere. that's what happens when you let yourself become so attuned to another - it's hard to tune out.

so there you were. and only because i saw the photo when it was first taken did i know i was the one there with you. and there we were. i'm smiling and crying at the same time, is that any surprise? i was laughing so hard tears flooded my face, you were making me laugh. you were making me cry. your arms outstretched, i was fighting your touch. moments after that camera's click, i would sink into your arms and pretend i could stay forever.

two hands, one motion, one photograph. the last photograph there was, and there will never be another. in one motion, two hands made one piece two. and suddenly we were apart, destroying the last tangible way we were ever together. i tore again and my stomach dropped. now four pieces. the last four pieces you and i would ever make.

i allowed only a second for my sadness. a glance over my shoulder to the empty space, the space you would never take, urged another tear, and another, and another, until our history was whittled down to stained confetti in my shaking hands. i set it on the breeze and choked back the tearful goodbye threatening to escape on my voice.

and then we were both gone.