is this thing on?

hello? testing... check 1, 2, 3.... you guys still out there?

i hate writing these posts, but i have to again. ready for another apology for my absence and more pleading that you'll stick around, even when i can't?

i'm in the middle of a big move (actually i'm moving around the corner, but the subtext of this move is enough for about 30 angsty posts here) which is being dragged out over two weeks, culminating in my first night sleeping in the haunted house this friday. i'm purposely delaying this move and dragging it out as long as possible (the living room, kitchen, and every other bedroom in my house is empty - my room is only missing a few knick-knacks and a space bag full of winter clothes) because i don't want to go - i'll explain why at a later date. suffice it, for now, to say that though i'm only moving a few hundred feet away, this is just one example of and catalyst for all the crazy changes happening around here lately. i almost don't recognize my life anymore; this was definitely not the way things were supposed to go. i'm trying to be optimistic and remember that all the bad or less than positive things going on are only temporary. i heard once that if you want to make god laugh, just tell him you have a plan. i'm realizing what that means now more than ever. in a sense, i like it. i'm 22, what's the sense in having a "plan" right now? this is the only time in my life i can get away with not having a plan, right? i should embrace it and run with it and just roll with the punches, right? ignoring the fact that the punches are of the sucker variety, straight to the gut. ah, such is life. i'm not delusional enough to think that life should be fair and that the circumstances of a recent grad are the same in 2011 as they were 20 years ago. things change, we just gotta adapt or get left behind... that's what i'm told, by people who think they're comforting me. (they're doing it wrong.)

but anyway, with all of the insanity going on around here, between packing up the house, saying goodbye to a lengthy chapter of my life, and the emotional baggage all that brings, i have been completely unable to write. the few minutes of downtime i've been getting lately have been spent crying, drinking heavily (don't worry), and thinking about all the things i should be doing but have absolutely zero motivation to do. does inspiration come in an over-the-counter capsule? let's get to work on that, it's 2011 for chrissakes. i can't even muster the energy to write the things i am paid to write, let alone the just for fun stuff. i'll get back to it, i swear. as soon as i get into that house i'm probably going to be glued to this here mac, setting up shop on the patio with my cigarettes and ideas and isolating myself from the cast of characters i have to live with now - two, for the first time ever, and one for the first time in a decade.

speaking of my ideas, i'm thinking it's time to start acting like a grown-up as far as my writing is concerned. what does this mean? well, i'm not really sure. i'm twenty-fucking-two. but i know a writing career isn't going to fall into my lap, and i'm going to have to make it happen. how? well that all depends on what sort of writing career i want to have. and what would that be, you ask? fuck if i know. i think i'm really on a healthy and mature track right now. duh. maybe the answer will come to me in a dream. i'm going to rely on that for a little bit while i dance around la la land and pretend this isn't actually my life right now. but as soon as i'm done with that, really, i swear, i'll figure out what i want to be when i grow up.

while you're waiting for my dubious return, please don't forget about me. backtrack, read the older posts on here, follow my tweets and tumbles for little wordy appetizers. check out my friends' blogs for some more fantastic reading (links to your right) and please, for the love of god and my sanity, send some good vibes and chipper thoughts my way. i need them, and i miss you.

a xx