#quoted 4 - lady gaga

"when you make music or write or create, it's really your job to have mind-blowing, irresponsible, condomless sex with whatever idea it is you're writing about at the time. "

- lady gaga

exactly the sentiment that motivates me, put in the dirty, freaky words of gaga. perfect.

rules one and two

"there are only two rules for being successful. one, figure out exactly what you want to do, and two, do it."
- mario cuomo

there's nothing like changing your course when you finally reach a thinning in the trees. according to plan, last week i started my pent-ultimate semester of college, where i was enrolled in fieldwork along with 5 curriculum & methods courses, in the beginning stage of my practical year in the teacher education program. i would go into the field, work with a co-op teacher, get a taste of the teaching life, and prepare for this fall's full semester of student teaching in a public school. instead, i marched into my advisor's office, reviewed my analysis of academic progress, and dropped out of the teacher education program with a little less than two semesters until i had my bachelor's degree in english along with a state teaching certification.

now i'm on track to graduate six months earlier than i would have with a bachelor's degree in english (that much hasn't changed) and ambitions of becoming a writer. that's right folks, after 5 years of knowing i was meant to be a teacher, i realized, i didn't know much at all. all i knew was that i had followed through on the resolution i had come to in high school and that everyone around me thought i'd make a great teacher. and hey, they aren't wrong. i'd make a great teacher. i've spent the last 5 years preparing for it, not to mention my natural possession of that "teacher quality."

but what i haven't done in about 3 years is think about why i wanted to teach. so when that nagging voice started pushing itself into my mind, screaming "i don't really want to teach anymore," and i realized it was getting harder and harder to tune out, i gave in and thought about it. and what i learned is that the reasons i wanted to teach simply don't exist anymore.

i've always wanted to be a writer. that's always been a part of my make-up, even moreso than my passion for teaching. in fact, it was the desire to have a literary life that made me even consider teaching. a life of reading and talking about books? with summers off in which i could write my own? fantastic! and i could help people, reach people who needed someone along the way? well, what more could i ask for? but the truth is, the elements of teaching that made the career so attractive to me aren't realistic anymore. and if you can't be in something 100%, why be in it at all?

conversely, when i write, that's where i am. my entire being, my scattered mind, my racing thoughts all come together over the pen and offer themselves wholly to the page. the page is where i've always been most comfortable, most at home, and even the most terrified at times. but that fear is the driving factor; it makes me excited and anxious and striving for more, yes more, all the time.

as i grow up and learn and see, the more i learn about and see myself for what i really am. and what i am belongs not in a classroom, reporting for a duty i don't believe in to people i don't agree with or trust. what i am belongs out there, discovering all there is to discover in the world, meeting everyone there is to meet, and scooping it all up to stay with me forever. to become part of my life, so that i can make it a part of yours, and your neighbor's, and the guy selling cars at honda, and the stay-at-home mom who hides a world atlas under her side of the bed.

i'm not living through pipe dreams. i'm living, finally, a life i was meant for. yes, a lot of people were surprised, shocked, many disappointed in my choice to withdraw from the teaching program. but i'm not living for them, i'm living for me. this is the most content i've been in a long time, and i cannot wait to write the next chapter... and the next one, and the one after that, and the one after that...

#quoted 3 - l. frank baum

"i'm convinced the only people worthy of consideration in this world are the unusual ones. for the common folks are like the leaves of a tree, to live and die unnoticed."

- l. frank baum

reminiscing disaster

why do i keep journals? why did i ever think it would be a good idea to document my hysteria, put it all in writing, and remove any doubt of how psychotic i have been at any given point in my life?

when i started journaling, it was my response to a desperate desire to never lose anything, never forget feelings, never wonder how i came to be the way i am. but now it’s the most ridiculous thing i can imagine.

i suppose someday in the future i’ll actually want to remember my middle & high school woes and joys. but for now, i can’t stop wanting to gouge my eyes out if i accidentally open up a journal from my recent past and unintentionally let my eyes fall on even a word or two. it’s gag-inducing, really. maybe because I don’t have enough removal from the situations yet? maybe because I’m the biggest idiot I know.

why bother to save the past on wrinkled, ink-stained pages when we spend the future abandoning them? when all we really want is to leave those words behind?

#quoted 2 - erica jong

“it was a bitchy remark - i’ll grant that - but what have i ever had to protect me…except words?” 
-erica jong, “fear of flying”

#quoted 1 - virginia woolf

“so long as you write what you wish to write, that is all that matters; and whether it matters for ages or only for hours, nobody can say. ” 
- virginia woolf

starting over

i’m starting over once again. i figure it’s best to lay my old blog(s) to rest, since they basically have no rhyme or reason and just essentially make me feel guilty that i’m not writing more or writing better. but, i still have a whole bunch o’ goodies floating around the old noggin, and they will likely end up here in an extremely less formal manner than anything else i’ve ever written. don’t ask why, and don’t expect rhyme and reason here either. although, i guess lack of rhyme or reason could be a theme all on its own. let’s just see how this goes.