a thought on thoughts

sometimes, accepting a thing's meaninglessness
is more important than searching for its meaning.

i'm guilty of this, and i know some of you are too. something terribly terrible or something wonderfully wonderful happens and instead of just letting it be, i wonder why it happened and search to give it meaning in some other aspect of my life. i treat my story like a film script and give little things great significance as if they are symbols and allegories to boost the plot.

but sometimes, a thing is just a thing. a kiss is just a kiss. a text is just a text. a car wreck is just a car wreck. i only spilled my coffee on my white shirt because i was clumsy, and i only left my book at home because i was careless.

it's tempting to give these inconveniences and brilliant conveniences some purpose in the story line. but sometimes, the strength of the plot comes not from the symbols, but from taking things at face value only.

there is no deeper meaning if you live in the depths.

winding

tempted by my pal val, i decided this week to participate in the indie ink writing challenge.

i gave a writing challenge to andrea, asking her to do something i often have trouble doing myself: find flaws in something you love. her negative review of her favorite film, love, actually, can be found on her blog.

my challenge was given by flaming nyx:

"broken pieces. scattered. in the wind."

and here we go...

---

i stepped onto the precipice and felt my bare toes brace the edge. for the smallest second, i dreamt of flinging my body into the air to fight with gravity. if i was certain i wouldn't fall to the ground and instead fly above the world, i probably would have done it. that moment of freedom, i'd have given anything for. to tumble over the wind, to lose myself, to break from gravity, god i wanted to fly.

snapped from my reverie by the cold air, i remembered my purpose on that peak. i hadn't climbed to lose myself; i had come up here to lose you. you hadn't followed - i knew you wouldn't. that knowledge forced me here in the first place. knowing you wouldn't come where i lead you forced each footstep and propelled me to the top. unburdened by anything but that one scrap of paper in my hand, i felt light as air as i finally reached the edge.

i stood there, waiting to change my mind. i'd changed my mind a dozen times. made it up, thought about it, made it up a different way again and again and again. i'll probably change my mind even after this is all over. the wonderful thing, though, is that it will only be in my mind. you will be gone. you are gone.

refocusing, i couldn't afford to lose my balance up this high. i held out the photograph. faded by the sun and streaked from my tears - tears of joy, tears of heartbreak, tears of indefinable rage - it was a wonder i could even tell it was me in the photo. of course i could tell it was you, i can always see you. even when i shouldn't, even when you're not really there, even when you're trying to remain unseen. even when i try to see anything but you. there you are, there you always are. taunting and tempting, i'm sure i could spot you anywhere. that's what happens when you let yourself become so attuned to another - it's hard to tune out.

so there you were. and only because i saw the photo when it was first taken did i know i was the one there with you. and there we were. i'm smiling and crying at the same time, is that any surprise? i was laughing so hard tears flooded my face, you were making me laugh. you were making me cry. your arms outstretched, i was fighting your touch. moments after that camera's click, i would sink into your arms and pretend i could stay forever.

two hands, one motion, one photograph. the last photograph there was, and there will never be another. in one motion, two hands made one piece two. and suddenly we were apart, destroying the last tangible way we were ever together. i tore again and my stomach dropped. now four pieces. the last four pieces you and i would ever make.

i allowed only a second for my sadness. a glance over my shoulder to the empty space, the space you would never take, urged another tear, and another, and another, until our history was whittled down to stained confetti in my shaking hands. i set it on the breeze and choked back the tearful goodbye threatening to escape on my voice.

and then we were both gone.

#quoted 10 - megan mccafferty

"i believe that what we get out of life is what we've set ourselves up to get, so there's no such thing as an inconsequential decision. our destinies are the culmination of all the choices we've made along the way, which is why it's imperative to listen hard to your inner voice when it speaks up. don't let anyone else's noise drown it out."

- megan mccafferty

good examples

our greatest flaw is the amount of energy we waste trying to fix the flaws of others. make yourself the best you can be and lead by example.

sometimes i get so bogged down in negativity when i look around me. i see greedy, selfish, money-hungry, gossipy, catty attention whores. i see people lie, cheat, steal. i see people incapable of genuine kindness or altruism and for a minute i worry about how good people are supposed to exist in this shark pond.

and then i stop worrying, because i know it's getting me nowhere. my finger-wagging and tsk-tsking won't make bad people stop doing bad things. i must constantly remind myself to stop wasting energy on things i can't control and refocus on the things i can control -

like being the best i can possibly be; like working towards the greater good with all the energy i have; and helping to create a good example.

i can't guarantee that people are going to follow good examples. i can't even guarantee that i'll always set the best example possible. but i can guarantee that worrying about the bad deeds of others will do little but diminish the energy i have to funnel into being a good person myself.

#quoted 9 - jack kerouac

"the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like a fabulous yellow roman candle exploding like spiders across the stars..."

- jack kerouac, on the road

photoset

just a few photos that were sent to me once. captured by the just-right-moment click of a camera and undoctored, i think these photos are absolutely fabulous and insanely inspirational.

underscore

sometimes i like to think that part of being creative is knowing what to draw inspiration from, so i enjoy sharing those pieces of inspiration here.

to underscore my last post, i'm adding the final letter from noah to allie in the film adaptation of nicholas sparks' the notebook. mostly just because i love it, and because the scene where she reads the letter makes me cry about 98.4% of the time, and because it simply fits.

"my dearest allie,

i couldn't sleep last night because i know that it's over between us. i'm not bitter anymore, because i know that what we had was real. and if in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, i'll smile at you with joy and remember how we spent the summer beneath the trees, learning from each other and growing in love. the best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that's what you've given me. that's what i hope to give to you forever. i love you, i'll be seeing you.
noah."
- the notebook

growth

i'm not going to start this by saying something cynical about how nothing lasts forever. there are, in fact, things that do last forever, but they're never the things you think and rarely the things you want. and even the things that do last forever do not stay the same. relationships, i mean. in some circumstances, sure, a relationship can last forever, but it never remains the same as it was. it takes a new form, roles within it change, emotions alter. the parent and child relationship is a perfect example. a child is always a child of the parent, the parent always the parent of the child. but the role of the parent changes as the child grows from toddler to teen to adult, as the role of the child changes as the parent goes from idol to enemy to friend to, in some cases, child.

but outside of these familial relationships, rarely do two people maintain a relationship forever. and that isn't necessarily a bad thing, and i'm not saying it to be negative. part of growing up is moving on and letting go. and as much as we may want to hold on to a certain epoch - high school, college, 21 - forever, we can't. and there's nothing wrong with that. one of the most exciting things about life is how it is constantly changing and never knowing what's waiting around the next bend. but it's awfully hard to get to peek around that corner if we're afraid to take a step away from what is and anticipate the next big thing to come.

we outgrow our shoes and our pants, and we give them to good will and move along. why are we so afraid to admit that as we grow older, we outgrow relationships too? the people in our lives who bring us joy are not much different from those artfully faded jeans we clung to throughout high school. they give us weeks, months, years of comfort and consistency, but we can't always hold onto them forever. they teach us things we need to know about life and about ourselves, allow us to learn the lessons we need, and give us experiences we need to grow. but the relationship won't always grow with us. and that's when we face the real-life tragedy of outgrowing people.

it doesn't mean abandoning people we love. it doesn't mean tossing a friend into good will. it means accepting real life and understanding things don't last forever, but loving and cherishing them while we have them. and when it's time to move on, we take those memories and lessons learned and let them guide our paths to the next big thing. there's no shame in outgrowing people. it's a part of life. and the best thing we can do for ourselves is open our eyes when it happens, instead of clinging to the past in the hope that things will never change. because here's something important to know: things will always change. and that is a truly beautiful thing about life.

losing people is never easy. but reliving the same era over and over again isn't either. as time goes on, it gets harder to cling to those relationships and people as they fade quicker and quicker. it gets easier, though, to look fondly on those relationships with love and joy and gratitude. it's no one's fault that we have to grow up. it just is. our neverland fantasies have to die at a certain age, and it's just a part of life. the people we outgrow will never be insignificant. they will always remain a stepping stone and a part of us - just not a part of the present. there's something to be said for being a part of the past.

lately, i've come to realize the people i've outgrown and the relationships with expiration dates. and i was sad at first, but i can't be anymore. we had something wonderful while we had it, but it's evolved as many times as it could before finally meeting its end. and if i keep chasing after something that ended long ago, i'll never move forward. and the thing about moving forward? it's an adventure. going backward is easy - you've already been there, you know what will happen, there are no surprises. but what is a life without surprises? sure, some of them are scary surprises - monsters lurking around the bend - but i'd rather fall and scrape my knees a few times as i race forward than move backward into the safety of what's already done.

it's time to get up, move on, fly back from neverland, and admit that i've outgrown you.
but i will never forget what you've given me.

---

"growing up is never easy. you hold on to things that were. you wonder what's to come. but that night, i think we knew it was time to let go of what had been, and look ahead to what would be. other days. new days. days to come. the thing is, we didn't have to hate each other for getting older. we just had to forgive ourselves...for growing up."
- the wonder years

excuse me miss

feeling neglectful, so i just wanted to stop by real quick and say that something is coming very soon. something original and, hopefully, profound and thought-provoking. i'm working through some emotional stuff right now and this one particular topic has been weighing heavily on my mind for a few weeks. here's hoping i can find the time in the next few days to sit down and write it all and make use of the notes i've scribbled on post-its and notepad app on my iphone.

in the meantime, enjoy this monstrous piece of crap that has been occupying my prime writing time.

coppin rhymes

a poem by ee cummings

---

since feeling is first... (VII)

since feeling is first
who pays any attention
to the syntax of things
will never wholly kiss you;

wholly to be a fool
while Spring is in the world

my blood approves,
and kisses are a better fate
than wisdom
lady i swear by all flowers. Don't cry
- the best gesture of my brain is less than
your eyelids' flutter which says

we are for each other; then
laugh, leaning back in my arms
for life's not a paragraph

And death i think is no parenthesis

sput sput sputters (2)

i have a near debilitating fear of leaving the house without perfume. not sure why exactly, but i love perfume so i'm always wearing it and often receiving compliments on it. but i have to insist that people, particularly men, cease to follow the compliment with "what perfume are you wearing?"

how am i supposed to answer? you don't care that i'm wearking dkny "be delicious," but what else am i supposed to say besides the name of the perfume i'm wearing when people ask that?

so when i go to answer "'be delicious' by dkny," and you're not paying attention because you really have no reason to, i am silently cursing you for even asking and forcing me to answer in some way. let's save ourselves the moment of mutual hate and awkwardness and just take the question of "what perfume are you wearing?" off the table for good.

#quoted 8 - joyce maynard

writers on writing. love this stuff, totally can't get enough.

author joyce maynard on where she gets ideas for her novels, characters, dialogue...

"The question is, where don't I? I read headlines from the National Enquirer, I study bulletin boards, Craigslist, listen in on the subway, or at the laudromat, or in line at the supermarket. One of the prerequisites for being a good writer is being a nosy person. I always have my ear to the ground for a good story and I'm always looking at characters."

just a little taste

if you follow me on twitter, you've surely seen my posts about my swoon-worthy professor of brazilian lit, or as i like to call him, "delicious latin professor". you would also know that sex is a common topic of conversation in our class, which is no coincidence given the heights of eroticism in the texts he assigns us. the paper i'm working on right now deals with the body's representation in the novel dona flor and her two husbands and here's a little taste of what i have to say on the subject...

"amado often points out how the body has the ultimate say, and that the cravings of physical intimacy and intensity are much harder to fight than a nagging (though right) conscience. when the cravings of the frenzied, desirous body disconnect from the preferences of the logical mind, it is the body that holds the ultimate word, that cannot be silenced, and that spearheads the mission to satisfy those cravings."

check back for the whole thing when i'm done!

doctor's orders

in honor of dr. seuss's birthday today, march 2nd, school children all over the country donned their favorite crazy hats and trip t-shirts to school in honor of two of the doc's most beloved children's books, the cat in the hat and oh! the places you'll go. this wacky tradition is part of a wonderful national event, read across america, which encourages school children everywhere to read, read, read and learn, learn, learn. in my own tribute to dr. seuss, here are just a few favorite seussical personal quotes and lines from his books, and a reminder of the lessons he taught us when we were just children. along with these, i'd like to tack on my own little hope that we remember these lessons even as we grow older. we may be too old to read green eggs and ham (i mean, you may be, i'm not sure I'll ever outgrow that one) but we're never too old to learn, to love, or to be kind.

"a person's a person, no matter how small."
- horton hears a who!

"today you are You, that is truer than true. there is no one alive that is Youer than You!"
- i've searched high and i've searched low, but i can't find the original source for this one. if you know it, please fill me in!

"i'm sorry to say so but, sadly it's true that bang-ups and hang-ups can happen to you."
- oh! the places you'll go

"be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."
- pq

"the more things that you read, the more things you will know. the more that you learn, the more places you'll go."
- oh! the places you'll go

"and the turtles, of course...all the turtles are free - as all turtles and, maybe, all creatures should be."
- yertle the turtle

Happy birthday, Dr. Seuss!

sput sput sputters (1)

sometimes things in real life
punctuate your story like a
perfectly placed allegory
in the memoir you didn't realize
you were writing