momentous

there's this beautiful moment of clarity that comes when i walk through that door. this sudden rush of calm and peace that somehow mingles with excitement and anticipation. it almost feels contradictory, how my mind can be at rest and relax while my heart begins to race and my blood pumps ever faster through my veins. it's a moment where my worries are washed away, and there's nothing to think about except for the intense exhilaration i feel and how remarkably content i am to be where i am, with the person i am there with.

the moment when i see the face i've longed to see, finally. it doesn't matter if it's been days or months or hours. when our eyes finally meet, everything else vanishes. everything that kept us apart and whatever will keep us apart in the future, gone. it is the moment i can fully live in the now. i don't want to be anywhere but here, and for once, i'm able to stay in the present, this beautiful present, uninfected by the trials and woes of every other moment.

it's almost unsettling how a person can feel so much in so small a moment. so much relief and joy and want. knowing you're only inches away from the only thing you crave? i'm suddenly caught up in a frenzy of trying to command patience and decorum while my insides scream for me to end the craving and take what's mine.

there finally comes a moment when there's no more to be said; no words can do justice to what we're feeling. the moment when the wanting stops, the limit is reached, the need is feral, and there's nowhere left to go but to that perfect place, that place where rules are for suckers and the reward is imminent. the moment when the heat is unbearable, hellacious but heavenly at the same time. the moment when your heart skips a beat, then picks up pace faster and faster and faster until you fear it will thunder right out of your chest. the moment where your breath is staccato and broken and a measure of your desire.

my favorite moment is when my body reacts to the mix of the most powerful sensations on earth. when i can't find the line between pleasure and pain, and the two become an intense feeling that has no name, and all i know is that i feel like i'll die if it ever ends. the moment where logic and knowledge and preservation of self are all lost, where even my name is forgotten and all i know is wanting more of this feeling. the moment when he knows me better than i know myself, where his heat makes me burn in every possible way, ignites my own heat and we brand ourselves into each other.

there are these moments that feel so brief once they're gone, though you've invested great care to be sure they'd last forever. the moments you can't justify with language, that you remember with your senses of touch and taste. these moments. these moments. these moments i commit to memory so i never have to live outside of them.

keeping faith

is it possible to believe in fate, or destiny, or whatever you want to call it, and free will - choosing your path - at the same time? i'm not a terribly religious person, though i do believe in god, but i don't subscribe to any religion in particular. so this isn't a religious post. but i do know that there's a whole universe that is bigger than me, with a plan all of its own.

i want to trust I’m making choices for my life, my future, according to my own beliefs and what i know is right. a lot of blood, sweat, and tears - not to mention extensive planning and rewriting of said plan - go into every major decision i make. career stuff, where to live, the people in my life, the next step. i'm a pretty spontaneous person in day-to-day life, and usually act on whims when it comes to most daily decisions. but when we're talking about something that i have to plan for, i literally obsess over the decision until i'm certain i've come up with the right course of action. i can't believe that there's no point in these processes and that the choices i'm making aren't really mine.

but then on the other hand, there are too many signs of serendipity in this life to ignore. if there were only a few, i'd say sure, they're coincidence. but, i'm not 100% sure i believe in coincidence at all. i mean, things like, when someone asks you if you've seen or heard of something, and you haven't, but then after your friend tells you about it, you start hearing about it or seeing it everywhere. you know what i'm talking about. or, and i'll use my friend as an example here: long story short, she moved away from our home state to a dreaded land called ohio in the name of a relationship. said relationship ended, and she found herself in a new one. in new relationship, her live-in significant other was offered a job opportunity in another state, a state my friend has been wanting to move to in order to attend grad school. just like that, perfect opportunity to move where she always wanted to be. you couldn't plan that shit any better if you tried! it's things like that that make me know there's a path we follow, unknowingly, that leads us where we need to go. and I can’t believe that all i’ve been through, and the crazy paths i’ve been down, haven’t been for a purpose. the people in my life, the places i've been, the experiences i've had, must be stepping stones to lead me to where i need to be, to the people i need to know. if the pain and chaos i’ve endured hasn’t been part of the universe’s plan to teach me what i need to know or to get me to the right place, at the right time…. well, i just can’t believe that.

i think of dumb things like choosing to go to this place instead of that place, order this instead of that, wear this instead of that - all these little decisions that really are inconsequential, in the grand scheme of things, but have lead to me either learning something new or meeting someone or seeing someone i haven't seen in a while, or whatever the case may be. it can't be all chance.

but - can it? if it's not chance, then what of the decisions i actively sweat and cry over, to make sure they're absolutely right? where's the universe then? is it the universe's influence making me sit down to figure it out?

i know the universe has a plan, and maybe free will is part of it. maybe that’s what makes it possible - our choices to be open to the universe’s plan are what allow it to work.

(these are the kinds of things i think about at length. so this may help you understand a little bit why i obsessively make lists and plans when trying to make a big decision. my mom says it's because my childhood was kind of unstable and unpredictable, so it's an internal self-defense mechanism to make sure i don't have to live like that again. she has a point.)

"never forget that on any day, you could step out the front door, and your whole life could change forever.  you see the Universe has a plan, kids, and that plan is always in motion.  a butterfly flaps its wings, and it starts to rain.  it's a scary thought, but it's also kind of wonderful.  all these little parts of the machine constantly working... making sure that you end up exactly where you're supposed to be, exactly when you're supposed to be there.  the right place.  at the right time." -himym
( quoted #14 )

an open letter to my favorite source of open letters

dear thought catalog,

this conversation is a long time coming. before i go any further, i just want you to know - this is going to hurt me more than it's going to hurt you. i can say that with 100% certainty. that doesn't make it any easier for me to say these things to you. believe me, i wish i didn't have to. but we've reached a crossroads and now, unfortunately, i have no other choice.

what a whirlwind romance we've had. you had me at hello. you swept me off of my feet and in a moment, i was yours. immediately, i didn't understand how i had ever lived without you. you were my saving grace, my green light, my hero.

i think we need to spend some time apart. don't get me wrong. i love you to the end of the earth and back. you bring me constant joy and happiness. you make me think. you force me to reflect on things and face truths about myself i otherwise wouldn't have the strength to. you make me laugh. you calm me down when i'm feeling stressed. you say exactly what i'm thinking. you slap me in the face with realities i'm afraid to, but must, face - in a loving way. you have all these insights into my soul, and i can't help but wonder if you have a cheat sheet on my mind. you just get me, tc. you always know the right thing to say, and you're there for me whenever i need you, without fail. all this, and you ask for nothing in return from me. you are, truly, perfect.

but i think it's time for us to start seeing other people, and spending a little less time together. i wish it didn't have to be this way, but i can't keep neglecting the rest of my life for you. i have a job, you know. and i have deadlines to meet. i have writing to do that has to take place on my computer, which also happens to be where you live. believe me, it will be so hard to be in your neighborhood and not wonder what you're doing, or what you're saying, or if you're thinking of me. but i have to be strong. we have to be strong.

from now on, you have to promise to keep your temptations to yourself. at least until i'm finished with keeping the rest of my life together. i promise to still make some time for you every night, but it simply can't be as much time as we used to spend together.

these words are coming from a place of love. you did nothing wrong. it's me, i swear. people usually lie when they say "it's not you, it's me," but i'm telling you the truth. you are perfect, and in fact, too good for me. i can't handle all your goodness in a mature, healthy way. so this is what we have to do.

stay gold.

love always,
alyssa

ku ku kachoo

i'm comin, darlin
i'll be right home to you. just
leave the front light on

---

words i speak betray
the truth; my kiss, my touch, they're
in the name of fun

---

sorry! sorry! i'm
not sorry in the slightest.
you had it coming

---

he dashes to, then
fro, the hunt will never rest
nature wins again

---

your lies are perfect.
i'd never know the truth, save
for your broken eyes

---

throw another one
love, please, your daggers are now
all that i can feel

---

i want, i want you
to keep me hostage for life
tie me up -- tighter.

--

lie still, breathe slow. keep
your heartbeat steady. never
tell her i was here

---

mem'ries

really diggin' on haikus lately! never realized how much fun they were to write, and how good it can feel to cram it all - everything i'm feeling, or have felt - into something so small. it sort of makes me feel like because there are so few words, they're all totally saturated with what i'm trying to say. 

and because today is, according to my twitter feed, national day of writing, here are a few haikus that came to be simply because i saw someone quote lyrics to a song called "the boy who blocked his own shot" by the band brand new and it made me think of the night i first heard that song, and everything that came after it played.

---

he sat and he strummed
and let cry his song for me:
"i'll make you happy"

---

acoustic notes rang
to fill the tiny room, to
fill my wanting heart

---

hazy eyed and soft
magic touches, we were kids
we had everything

first tuesday

i've never participated in this meme before, but apparently, according to someone i follow on tumblr, today is haikuesday. haikus are fun, so i scribbed a few for you, my darlings.

---

lost
eyes closed, lips parted
i relent beneath your touch
what's come over me?

---

hurt
your hand raised high, up
above my cowering heart
softer touch, i beg

---

taken
vicious kisses, he
branded into my body
his, i am, always

---

sour
a love has never
been hated, feared, like the love
i wasted on you

---

seasons
on the spring breeze, you
gust into my graces good
on autumn's freeze, gone

---

i suppose there is a common theme here, because it's somehow been the prominent theme in my life since i was, oh, 15? 
le sigh. fiction & non, & the worst part? each one is about a different person/event/time in my life. whoooosh.

peaceful

she closed her eyes.

softly, not clenched tight. her lids fluttered down slowly, her lashes meeting the tops of her cheeks in a soft kiss. it was an involuntary reaction to the calm that had taken hold of her usually racing mind. when the peace reached her thoughts, the feeling began to roll in waves over her whole body. inch by inch, she succumbed to the tranquil feeling of the moment. her fingers uncurled from their fists, her legs fell to the bed, her toes aimed toward the sky. her caramel locks lay in tousled curls around her face, tangled on the pillow, a stray ringlet resting across her forehead.

he brushed away the renegade curl to set his lips in its place. he kissed the outline of her face, retracing the steps he'd taken earlier. when he reached her mouth, she parted her lips for him and remembered the first kiss, an hour ago. she was flooded with memories of the love they had just made, and opened her mouth even more to invite him back in.

her eyes still closed, she reached for his hands, but they were dancing. he lowered his fingertips to her bare skin ever so slowly and brushed them over her. every place their skin met left her burning, torn between the desire for more and the need to recover.

decidedly spent, she pushed him aside. not too far, she begged, don't go far.

he closed his eyes softly and laid beside her. without words, he lifted her hand with both of his and held it for a moment. memorizing the feel of her every angle, he traced each line, held each finger to his lips, and placed a kiss in her palm for keeps. satisfied, he placed it on his chest. she felt his heartbeat flutter and then calm, and reached to feel her own pulse.

they remained entwined there through the night, gripped by the truest peace they had ever known. each beat of their hearts, each breath they drew, in tandem.


---


i may have taken a little too much artistic liberty here, but this was what came to me when i saw i had received niqui's prompt for this week's indie ink writing challenge. the prompt was

write about how world peace can be accomplished.

my challenge went out to the wonderful sir: write about the day you (or your character) knew your life was going to change forever. fiction or non.

be sure to stop by indie ink to see all the stellar entries from this week's challenge, and sign up for next week!

so much to say

hey guys? i don't know if you know this, but in case you haven't gotten the memo by following me on the twitters, i want you to know that there's even more of me to see out there on the internets.

i mean that in the most wholesome possible way.

if you don't know, in addition to my stuff here and my other writing gig (it's kinda boring and i'm not allowed to talk dirty in it so i won't force ask you to read it), i'm also a writer at this great little web magazine called the twenty life.

rilee does a fantastic job running this site, and the rest of the writers and editors are brilliant as well. the twenty life was even awarded the detroit's most valuable blogger award in the lifestyle & family category! both the editors choice and people's choice award went to the twenty life, and you know that the most important thing in the world is what other people think of you... so, ya know, that's good news.

the site is geared toward twenty-something women, but absolutely holds helpful tips for anyone looking to get advice on dating, relationships, fashion, health, beauty, cooking, decorating, living on a budget, and so, so much more. we're constantly writing to get new articles up, so it's always fresh and topical and relevant. i have so much fun writing for this magazine, and would love it if you took a few minutes to check out the things i have to say over there - that i would say here, if i didn't already say them over there.. ya dig?

so, if you guys get a chance, i would love for you to stop over there and take a look at some of my articles as well as the great stuff from the rest of the writers. and if you're so inclined, you can even follow us on the twitters.

let's be honest: slander

you know, i thought trying to start two challenges (shamelessness + truth) at the same time would be fine. even though i'm also usually a participant in the indie ink weekly writing challenge. (except this week. i forgot to sign up. sad face.) and i have, you know, actual work writing to do every week as well. but, as you can see, i was wrong, because i've still yet to meet the first item on the list of 30 days of truth.

and then i thought, maybe i'll just finish up the shameless challenge first. i knew you guys would understand. but then i saw the next item on the list, and i just don't really want to write that right now. so i guess this is as good a time as any to get started on 30 days of truth, huh? good, i'm glad you agree. first up:

1. something you hate about yourself

hold on tight.

in the name of honesty, i'm going to go right ahead and say that i don't truly hate anything about myself. i used to, for sure, but at this point i've basically determined it to be a waste of time. there are certainly things about myself that are inconvenient and that other people hate about me. but for better or for worse, i am who i am and i've been through what i've been through and it's made me what it's made me. isn't that cute coming from a 22-year-old full of piss and vinegar? seriously though, don't think me pompous, but i think hating qualities is a waste of time. there are things i wish i weren't, but they aren't really changeable. so let's just move forward with this inexhaustive list of things that are pretty fucking annoying and inconvenient.

physical first. because that's the way i like it.

i don't like that i don't like my legs. my thighs, to be specific. truthfully, there's probably nothing wrong with them. at least that's what i hear. and i don't like that i can't listen to the mounting evidence that i have great legs. so people say. so, if you can follow me with this, i hate that i can't turn off my body image noise that comes from within.

there's a little cowlick right where my hairline meets my forehead, about an inch or so to the left of the middle. because of this little fucker that has hindered me since.. well, i guess since i had hair, i've trained my hair to part at the left so that i can sort of mask the cowlick. but the thing has a mind of its own, and some days it just won't cooperate with me. on those days i get a full frontal alfalfa-style hair mutiny and it looks ridiculous. that is not. cool.

getting deeper.

i don't like that i'm so emotional over certain things. it's not always a bad thing, being emotional. i happen to enjoy it actually, sometimes - i like knowing that i feel things strongly because i think people who don't get emotional live their lives like robots, and i would rather cry a little too much than not be able to cry at all. it becomes a problem, though, when my emotions overpower my logic. this happens most when i let people hurt me whom i shouldn't give that power to. i momentarily forget about the source and allow my feelings to be hurt by people who should have no bearing on my feelings. nasty, hurtful, vindictive, cynical people - i know better than to indulge in their pathetic worldviews, but sometimes, when people hurl insults at you with that much vigor, it really fucking hurts. and this leads me to...

i pick the wrong people. most people (and i mean that very, very seriously - there are at best two people in my life who are an exception to this) i love or have loved in the past have been all wrong for me. they've taken more from my life than they've given at points, or they've consistently disregarded my feelings, or tried, purposely, to hurt me. the problem is, i don't half-ass relationships on any level. family is important to me, friends are important to me, and i give all i have to give in each of those relationships. apparently, i'm the exception. it probably ties in with the last thing i mentioned, that i'm a very emotionally-ruled person. but when i feel something, when i love someone, on any level, i feel it for real. i don't fake relationships, and i get burned a lot because a lot of other people do.

i'm not faulting other people for this. that's just the way they are. but i don't learn my lesson and continue to pick the wrong people, or continue to give the wrong people chance after chance after chance after chance. that's my bad.

but it's not really something i can change about myself. i've tried, believe me, and i've been given a million reasons to change. but i believe in love, and i believe good people can make mistakes and do bad things and then never do them again. and maybe that's foolish and i'm getting what i deserve, but i'd rather try, and keep trying - because i know that i'm strong and that i can survive it again and again and again - than give up.

i'm very competitive, and jealous by nature. most people say jealousy is born from insecurity, and while that may at times be the case for me, i'm pretty secure with myself. i have moments of low self-esteem, of course, but on the whole, i'm pretty okay with me. i just get insanely jealous over the smallest, dumbest things and have the weirdest things spark my competitive nature and get me on the grind. i guess it's not all bad, because competition often breeds the best work for many people. and i'm pretty good at keeping my jealousy to myself or unloading it on my best friend instead of the person i'm jealous of, but still. i definitely get overwhelmed with it and slip sometimes. it's something i wish i didn't have to work so hard to keep in check, and can't really rationalize.

oh and wait, there is something i can say i truly hate about myself. you know how i said i'm really emotional? i also get very, very angry. sometimes i skip right to anger, bypassing sad, because it's easier or because i'm tired of being sad. there's a history of bad, bad tempers in my dad's side of the family, and this is something that sort of scares me. i've seen horrible things happen as a result of family members' tempers, and i worry that if i get angry enough, someday, i might be capable of those same things. and i never ever ever ever ever want to be that person. there was one time recently where i was so hurt by and angry at someone - someone who i shouldn't let make me feel this way (see?) - that i was literally shaking. my body was reacting so strongly to this anger and i was worried that if given the chance, i would have taken out my anger the way my family does. i hate that this is something i have to be aware of, because it is so contradictory to everything i try to do in my day to day life.


this was pretty fucking hard to write.

also, i really don't like my eyes. they're brown, and that's boring.