I hate you for making my mind race when all I want is quiet and calm.
I hate you for keeping me up all night. It used to be by the tap of your finger or a flick of your tongue. Now it's your absence that keeps me tossing and turning and wondering and weeping. The warmth of your arms was all the blanket I needed and I hate you now for making me feel cold.
I hate you for your secrets whispered into my hopeful ears. For your comfort and your wisdom. For your trust and support. For your understanding. For your knowing.
I hate you for calling me "baby" and for not calling me anything at all.
I hate you for the space on your shoulder where I used to rest my head. Where my lips could reach the soft skin on your neck and my nose could breathe in your scent. Where your muscled arm draped perfectly across me and your fingers danced in circles on the small of my back. Where I could fade into you and not have to hate anything. I hate you for taking it away from me and giving that space on your shoulder to someone else.
I hate you for texting back right away with an emoticon and a term of endearment. I hate you for making me jump whenever my phone buzzed, for the way my heart raced when I used to be able to let myself think it was a message from you.
I hate you for the way you made me need you. I hate you for the way I hungered for you, for the way your skin set fire to mine, for making me insatiable. I hate you for letting me believe your touch was the only one I would ever want to feel. I hate that I used to close my eyes and think of you. I hate you for the way you made my back arch and my toes curl and for the way I labored to make you feel the same way. I hate you because you know every single part of me.
I hate you for making me love that band. I hate you because now I can't listen to a single note without thinking of you. I hate you for leaving me with stale remnants of what used to exist but doesn't anymore. I hate that there is so much that makes me think of you, and I hate that thinking about you is something I'm not supposed to do. I hate you for stealing what was rightfully mine, making it ours, and then making it yours. I hate you for everything you took that you never even wanted.
I hate you for saying you loved me. I hate you for making me wonder now if you meant it then and if you did mean it then, I hate you for making me wonder if you still do. I hate you for never letting me tell you that I loved you too.
I hate you for still being. For still lurking the dark corners of the internet and phone lines and sometimes the sidewalk outside the bar. I hate you for not having the decency to stop existing when We stopped existing. I hate you because I can only avoid thinking of you for so long before you force yourself onto my radar again.
I hate you for everything you are and for everything you do. I hate you for the way you talk, the look on your face when you see me, that stupid tattoo. I hate your car and your ugly shoes and your mother. I hate your greed, I hate your transparency. I hate what you did to me, I hate you for your apologies that meant less then my need to forgive you ever understood.
I hate that I have so much hate because of you.
this is pretty rough and choppy and posted mostly on a whim because i feel guilty that i haven't written for you guys in weeks. but it is - or rather will be, once it's cleaned up - part of something bigger and better, so i would *love* your thoughts and feedback. xx