I Lost My Voice

I confess that if it weren't for this wonderful weekly link-up hosted by the oh-so-gracious Kathy, there would be about zero percent chance of a new post appearing on the ol' AGB today. I had a lovely long weekend, but because it was a holiday and I spent every last minute of it doing holiday-ish things, my usual Sunday night routine of prepping for the week ahead fell by the wayside. I don't even know if this is the right day to link up; I'm all out of order this week.

For every one good shot we take together, there are about 30 like the left one.
Big bro and I out on the boat with the cousins. Also: OH MY GOD THE RUNNER'S TAN.  :(
Okay, fine. I came home from the last of the MDW festivities Monday night and watched Don Jon and fell asleep.

I hate to, but I have to confess that part of the reason this blog exists is because of a person to whom I no longer speak. I hate it, but I owe quite a bit to that person.

Mostly, what I hate is this thought cycle that keeps tumbling through my mind whenever I think of this person and my blog. It goes something like this:
Are you reading? Of course you're reading. Of course you aren't reading. Why would you? But of course you would, you would. How dare you. What do you think? You always loved my words. What do you think of them dressed up like this? Don't tell me, you have no place here. X out now. But are you glad I took your advice? Are you sad it was after I had a chance to show you, like I promised? Are you reading? How dare you be reading. I know you aren't reading. But I see you. 
It's exhausting.

If you are reading...

I ate chips and guacamole for dinner last night and regret nothing.

A few nights ago, I got supremely irritated and first thought to call up a friend to grab a drink, but changed my mind and laced up for a run instead. There were a few seconds of "who the hell am I?" going on, I gotta be honest.

...tell me if you are?

I'm diggin' the shape of my eyes in this shot, so that's why it's here.
That night I crushed my best, longest, fastest, furthest run yet. CRUSHED it. No pain in any of my pain spots. No bad thoughts during or after the run. I could have kept going when I hit my final call-it-quits mile-mark {I didn't, because I figured the adrenaline was playing some tricks on me.} because I just felt so strong. It was one of the single most gratifying running moments I've had since my first run five months ago.

But not in so many words...

Even though I'm really happy I relaunched this blog as a lifestyle one, rather than a home for my sporadic experiments in creative writing as it had been, I really miss having a public creative writing space.

Outside of my journal or my scraps of half-thoughts and scribbled lines of lyric prose, I've done just about no creative writing in months, and I really feel neglectful of that part of my {cheese alert} writer's spirit.

I think the fact that I write all day at work — and that writing has grown so stale and redundant — and then come home and blog — which I truly love, so, so much — has drained me of any desire to write anything else. I absolutely love everything about writing. But there is too much of a good thing, indeed.

we both know they're nothing but trouble.

I just spent a really long time looking for a good gif to throw in the last couple of lines, but I came up with nothing. I think I should go now.

___________________________________________________

Linking up with Kathy from Vodka & Soda for another round of Humpday Confessions +
Liz & Amanda for the Hump Day Blog Hop!

Vodka and SodaThe Hump Day Blog Hop

Psst! I'm coming back tomorrow with more on how to really do summer in NJ — catch up with the rest of the class if you haven't seen Part One yet!

Comments

  1. Loved this! I have those same questions girl about my ex :( Ah well life happens. A good run heals most things or at least clears the mind. :) I dont write for a living but I do quite a bit of writing for work and though the blog was supposed to cure my creative writers block, Its just become a fun thing to do to escape the hectic lifestyle. But we'll see how it goes. I can relate :)

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  2. when i get super busy at work - that also involves a shit ton of computer work - i want nothing to do with my blog when i get home because i can't even look at the computer off-hours so the blog falls by the wayside.

    and i LOVE your tats! i want to add another one along my side but i heard that hurts like a mofo! is that true??

    thanks for linking up!

    -kathy
    Vodka and Soda

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  3. By the time yesterday morning came around, I was so confused already as to why I hadn't prepared any of my lunches this week, or done the laundry. Love me some long weekend, but they always screw with my schedule.

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  4. I'm absolutely obsessed with this post (and you, which I think we've already established) and I'm pretty sure I'm definitely going to jack it one of these days - with credit, of course.

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  5. I've been checking my stats like a hawk lately...mainly for one person, who is always showing up there, yet not always showing up in my life. It's frustrating. I get it...

    ANYWAY...

    Inviting myself on the boat next time, hope that's okay. Great. Thanks!

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  6. hahaha runners tan! i hate it! but not running in my bikini, so..... lol.
    yay go you for crushing it girl! i love all your tats, you and your bro are too cute, and this will sound creepy but your eyes are so pretty in that pic! and i want your phone case.
    i think that last gif is perfect.
    so now i really wonder if that person is reading your blog.

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  7. Chips and guac for dinner is always a good choice. And I'm impressed by your impromptu run!

    I always wonder who is reading too...

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  8. I wish my back would stop hurting I really really want to go for a run! Im jealous LOL

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  9. Hey Alyssa!! I cant tell you how refreshing it is to see another girl with tats! Rock on sista! And seeing those photos reminds me of how bad I have got to get back into shape! And p.s. don't give up on the blog! More more more lol! ;)

    Lisa,xo
    http://chiclittlethrills.blogspot.com/

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  10. Love your tattoos (and your runner's tan ;)) I live for that I-just-killed-that-run feeling!

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  11. I would gladly eat chips and guac EVERY night for dinner!!!!

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  12. Some of my best runs were when I wanted to do them least... or when i was really, really, really angry.

    I wonder if my ex reads on a pretty regular basis. I used to give him such crap for never reading and then when we broke up he said something about how he couldn't read anymore, but I wonder if he does it anyway.. because the internet makes stalking so so sooo easy.

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  13. If you're looking for a creative outlet check out The Indie Chicks (if you don't already) Jewels just launched a sister site that's specifically for creative writing.

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  14. Oh, I know this feeling well. They're reading. All of 'em. How could they not? Right? Right. Maybe..

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