Heartbeats

Some people really have all the luck. While my friend Kay is jetting all over the planet on her month-long vacation, I'm sitting here in NJ getting bombarded with rain and ex-boyfriend-ish things crawling out of nowhere. Two in twenty-four hours, to be exact. Needless to say, I'm a little frazzled.

Story time.

Over the weekend, I was contacted by two men I honestly never expected to speak to again after ending things a few months ago and a year ago. One, I loved. Madly, and for too long. Enough that I'm having a lot of trouble processing how I feel right now at just the idea of him. The other, though we ended almost as quickly as we began, I knew I could love, easily and comfortably... until things went downhill, fast.

To hear from one out of the blue was concerning enough. To hear from the other less than a day later, I pretty much flew right off the handle. Why either one at all, and why both of them in the same day? I don't mean to suggest that both of them showed up at my doorstep with engagement rings, professing their love for me. That wasn't quite the case. I'm not in the middle of a love triangle now, and one has already — as far as I can tell — retreated back to the past tense where, honestly, I've always known he belongs.

But just having the phone numbers appear on my phone after so long and with so many questions attached has been enough to send my heart into a fit of frustration and my mind into a tailspin. I'm feeling things I never wanted to feel again, asking myself questions I thought I'd answered for the last time long ago. The reappearance of one altered the feelings I was working through toward the reappearance of the other, and now I'm left knowing less about what I want and how I feel about what I've done than I have in a long, long time. I'd put the idea of ever opening those doors — one more so than the other — completely out of my mind; reconciling or even acknowledging each other again wasn't an option. And now, something that I worked so hard to make a hazy memory has been launched to the front of my mind, and I had no say in the matter. All I'm left with is the need to fix it all over again.

I don't know how some people thrive on relationships with more peaks and valleys and twists and turns than a roller coaster. I've had enough tumult in my love life to last a lifetime, and I'm only 25. I don't want a dramatic, stop-start relationship anymore. I don't want to love someone who doesn't know how to love me back. I don't want to cry more than laugh because of the person I've committed to. I don't want to force myself to leave a person I don't want to leave again. And I certainly don't want to wake up to any more ghosts of loves past weighing on my heart and mind.

I don't know how I feel, what I want, or what to do.

It's times like these where I turn to binge-watching episodes of Teen Mom and Teen Mom 2, because no matter how unsettled I am of heart and mind, at least I never chose a Ke$ha concert over a legal obligation. Jenelle.
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Oh and in case you're wondering why I brought up my friend Kay in the beginning of all this, it's because she is kind enough to host my more positive, less heart-wrenched words over at her space today while she traipses all over the U.S! Go see what I have to say over there about why Kay needs to give American football another chance — and help me convince her, if you don't mind?

The Kay Times

OH and in case you missed it, I blogged on a Sunday. I know, weird since I can barely show up on a weekday anymore. But I blogged about running, and in case you're interested in reading about some of the races I've got lined up — in reality and in my imaginary world — check it out here!

Comments

  1. Holy moly I needed this. I am a hot mess of ex-boyfriend type things recently and I just can't keep my heart or mind settled for more than five minutes at a time. The only way I know how to handle this is to flee the country and travel somewhere with a whole lot of sun and even more alcohol. Not exactly reasonable. In any case, our posts for the day are matching and it made me feel a whole lot better. XO

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  2. So glad you guest posted for Kay today. I loved your post on Kay's and this one as well. I feel where you are coming from with the post today, Men sure know how to pop up at a time when you are doing just fine and make you question everything you have been doing.

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  3. Guys always have a way of just coming back in to shake things up enough to make you really angry!!! Off to check out your guest post!

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  4. ugh sorry that both of these guys showed their faces - i hope you are doing ok? i used to be all about the drama and ups and downs and then i just got sick of it and when my ex broke up with me for the 75th time, i was like ok i'm done. ever since then, i wanted an easy, good, healthy relationship. i still was a bit too dramatic in the beginning, but i learned how to calm down quickly, lol. just because it's not a rollercoaster doesn't mean it's boring, and even if it is boring to some i don't care, i like it. i hope you are able to find your easy but still good relationship one day, and i wish there was something i could say to help you process the crap you are dealing with right now :) hugs!

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  5. Wow. It's amazing how life works out! It always seems to happen that way-- when one person from your past pops up, another person pops up randomly too.

    As for what you want in a relationship -- those goals are awesome! Don't settle for anything or anyone less. You deserve to laugh more than you cry and you deserve to be with someone who loves you. Even though all relationships have some twists and turns (mine surely does!), at the end of the day, each person's goal should be to make the other person happy, to show how much they love the other person. You'll find it one day. I promise! It took me years and years of heartbreak and abuse, of giving up on myself and giving up on love... but I finally found someone who appreciates everything I can give and who teaches me to be a better person.

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  6. Yikes. How freakin' weird is that? It's been a long time since I've had a tumultuous romantic relationship (thank goodness because it was bad enough to last a lifetime), but I have a tumultuous relationship with a guy friend and I hate it :/

    Your wants in a relationship are exactly what you should want. I really hope you find the guy who sees eye to eye with you on that - you deserve it.

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  7. Ugh so random! They always pop up at the weirdest times. I try to remember exactly why we broke up in the first place (lists help) and don't respond, or if he suggested we hang out, I would say no. But that's me. I hope you find a way to work through this!

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  8. I can totally relate. This past month really has thrown me for a loop when it comes to guys. I used to have such an up and down relationship with my ex. We are still friends though. I stopped talking to him for awhile because it was hard. Although, I'm over a lot of the drama now. It is so weird how things like that happen. I hope you are doing better.

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  9. Oh no, I'm sorry you're going through this again! Any way you can block his number?? I don't have any other advice... Just wishing you the best and a speedy recovery from this relapse :(

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  10. When it rains it pours- always. So crazy though that both contacted you out of the blue in the same week. I swear they have a sensor...

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  11. they're in your past for a reason and although seeing their name on your phone raises questions, maybe the past is best left in the past. remember that we are the ones who control our emotions and how we feel; we are the ones who can give others power over ourselves/our emotions. i would rather leave that power up to me, than to someone else. hope it all blows over soon!

    -kathy
    Vodka and Soda

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  12. Ugghhhhhh seriously it's like they have damn trackers or something.....things are going just fine.....let's go shit all over it. Sorry girl sending you lots of love!

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  13. Oh, girl. I'm so sorry. I can't even explain how much I can relate. I've felt these feels way more times than I'd like to admit in the past three years. Luckily it hurts a little less each time.. I have hope for us though. I hope that we will know to open our hearts to the right ones.

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  14. Oh girl I know the feeling of them coming out of nowhere. Although Im a million miles away my ex has decided to 'appear' so to speak again and I too don't know how to feel about it!

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