Six Real Reasons I'm Pretty Much Undateable

As may be painfully obvious (and totally understandable) to most of you, I'm single. I think I'm required to clarify that I'm 25 and single, because that suddenly makes it a whole new ball game. Because at 25 I'm not supposed to be single. Or at least, I'm not supposed to be this single. By that, I mean I haven't had a quantifiable "relationship," ya know, with a person who called me their girlfriend out loud and in front of their parents in... well, the better part of a decade.

What I have had instead is:
  • A horrendously undefinable seven-year off-and-on stint with a man who I should have cut things off with (or kept them cut off with, as it were) about 1,000 times before I actually did
  • A summer fling with a magician 
  • A winter fling with a firefighter
  • A late fall fling with a college kid after I'd graduated
  • A lot of conversations with people about all the reasons we can't commit to each other right now
  • A lot of attention from people in relationships who were shocked that I wasn't cool with entertaining their scandalous ideas
  • A month-long summer fling that nearly had all the intensity of the seven-year thing
  • A couple of exes who reappear for no explicable reason
  • A handful of encounters and adventures I maybe shouldn't talk too much more about
  • A lot of conversations with people who are apparently way more uncomfortable with me being single than I am, in which I repeat my whole-hearted philosophies on love/relationships:
    • (a) A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle. (- Irina Dunn)
    • (b) I like myself, I like my life, and I'm happier being alone than I am in a bad or bad-for-me relationship.
    • (c) If I'm going to be with someone, it's because they complement my life; not because I need them to make it better.
This is, unfortunately, not acceptable to a lot of people. And by a lot of people, I mean my aunts and most of my friends who are in relationships.

But I mean that a, b, and c with all of my guts. And it's a good thing I do, because I'm not a great dater. I mean, I'd totally be friends with me if I were someone else. Well, someone else with a decent sense of humor and thick skin who isn't going to whimper at every snarky comment I make.
But as far as dating me? I'm not going to lie, it's certainly not for everybody. It's not easy. As evidenced by the trail of broken-down, shuddering, confused men I've left in my wake.
Kidding. Sort of.

So to satisfy grandparents, aunts, friends of parents, coupled friends, and single men who think "how are YOU still single?" is a valid pick-up line everywhere, here you go:

An Honest Explanation as to Why I Am Still Single, At 25, When I Should Apparently Already Be Engaged or Married or At Least Living With Someone, Even Though It's Not Like My Life Is in Shambles As It Is, and Why I'm Not Suicidal Over It, Because I'm Actually Just Pretty Much Undateable

1. I get really easily annoyed by people and am extremely selective with my patience. Basically, and I know this isn't a great thing to say, you kind of have to earn my patience and annoyance. If we're still getting to know each other and you annoy me, then you're just going to be a person who annoys me. On the flip side, if I've already gotten to know you and I like you and THEN you annoy me, then at least I know (a) you aren't 24/7 annoying and are maybe just having an annoying day and (b) you have redeeming qualities that make the annoying ones pale in comparison.
2. I can and often prefer to spend time with you without touching you. This is important: I am not a touchy person. Do not play with my hair. Stranger at the bar/grocery store/beach/every other place this has inexplicably happened: Do not touch/trace my tattoos with your fingers. (Yeah. WTF?) This ban on touching is lifted when I feel comfortable and then, sure, it's fair game. But even then — a point which most people don't wait for — why do we have to be touching constantly? It's annoying (see #1.) Don't say affection, because poking me in the shoulder with your shoulder or something isn't affection. I don't need you stroking my kneecap during the movie to know you're into me. That's weird. And also annoying. And listen, I'm no prude, but I don't dig extensive PDA. I have a feeling people will know we're together even if there is an inch of space between us, and even if they don't, I actually don't care at all. Please give me some damn space.
3. I don't receive or give out early terms of endearment or expressions of affection well. By the way, I'm fully aware that I'm a poster child for intimacy issues. Let's just get that out of the way. I'm aware. Anyway, here's the thing: It's rare that this feels genuine to me, whether I'm trying to dish it out or take it. Remember that seven-year thing I mentioned above? It was then that I learned how easy it is for (some) people to make someone feel loved when they aren't. Terms of endearment don't take any effort to say, and very little effort to sound genuine. I've been told a whole lot of things. And I'm a writer — if anyone knows how words can lie and manipulate, it's me. So I've had my fill of being told, and now I care much more about being shown. Because I've been called precious terms of endearment countless time and heard expressions of affection even more, but that's just not enough to make me believe it. So unaccompanied by any actual gesture of affection or love... sorry baby. Talk is cheap.
4. If you don't know me well or can't keep up, you probably think I'm insulting you most of the time, and I don't care. I don't care because you got yourself into this mess by insisting you "can keep up." You can't and that's okay. Listen, I am a very sarcastic person. I always have been (I blame books and hating everyone I knew as a kid) and I have a really hard time checking it. And I also don't think I should have to change the whole way I speak, ya know? Anyway. I tend to test the other person out early with an innocent and fairly obvious snarky comment. If it goes over their head (it usually does), I explain that I'm just kidding (I have to say that a lot more with most new people than I'd like to) and that most of what I say is sarcastic. I invariably get a response like this: "Oh yeah me too, I'm really sarcastic. Hope you can keep up ;) ;) ;)" (in person and in text). And then I get all ragey because STOP BEING ALL "OMG I'M THE BEST AT SARCASM" when it just sailed RIGHT over your head. It's annoying and misleading because I'm just going to keep saying sarcastic things. And if I have to explain 15 times per date that I was just kidding, I'm not having a good time. Snark back or get out.
5. I have no interest in being "rescued" from myself, my circumstances, or the the world in any way shape or form: My life is good, and I want it to stay how it is for a while. I'm just open to making some room for one other person in it. Yes, I understand that being with someone means shifting priorities and being accommodating. I can do that. What I can't do, however, is listen to you give me advice on how I should talk to my boss, service my car, approach my "father issues," change my career, forget about this one goal and work on a different one, stop running because it's bad for my knees, stop seeing my chiropractor because you "fail to see any applications of chiropractic that would have an effect on migraines" (<- actual quote), adjust my voting practices, alter my view on feminism/politics/religion, eat differently, "stop being uptight and get drunk once in a while," or any of the other ingenious pearls of wisdom people seem to think I am in desperate need of, unless and only unless I ask for your opinion or advice or make it apparent that your feedback on how I'm doing things is welcome. I've kept myself alive and thriving for 25 years, I have a pretty good idea of how to keep doing it.
6. I love being by myself. I can love you too, but that doesn't and will never mean that I want you around all the time. Telling this to people is often like kicking a puppy though, and I'm against animal abuse, so you can imagine how uncomfortable it is for me. I can like spending time with you and like spending time by myself in equal measure and still want to be in a relationship with you and still love you and still like the look of your face. But I've always been independent and I've been taking care of myself for a very long time. I'm used to and very much enjoy my alone time. Please respect it. (Spoiler alert: They don't.)
But other than all that, ya know... I'm a real catch.
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Oh! Total non-sequitur: Here's your reminder that one week from today is your next chance to link up with Tracy and me for another installment of Training for Tuesday! Let's chat training before the holiday season is officially set in motion and we all gain 30 pounds at Thanksgiving, shall we?
alyssagoesbang

Comments

  1. Girl, you are speaking my own truths! AMEN to this! I could go on and on about how much I agree but really, is it necessary? You already said it all!

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  2. If it makes you feel any better, I'm single at 31 (a total spinster in the blog world!) so I can relate to ALL of this :) Just keep not settling - I know you already know this, but it's so much better being single than being with the wrong person!

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  3. Im single and 29... Im opposite in that I was locked down in committments for the better part of my 20's so single sucks for me!! That said ... a lot of these apply to me too. Girl you are loveable and you will find the ying to your yang real soon. (PS ... i hate men to touch my hair.... it drives me batty)

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  4. LOVE THIS! Wait until you're 39 and STILL SINGLE....kills my friends and family that I'm perfectly happy without a man, confuses them that my idea of the perfect marriage would be having a husband who doesn't live in my house, but is available to hang out when it suits me. Sounds like you know exactly what you do and don't want....don't compromise!

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  5. Good for you! I hate that our society automatically thinks that we need someone to be at our side. No, we don't. We are perfectly capable of living full and happy lives on our own. When and if we do find someone it's because we want to, not because we HAVE to. :)

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  6. it never ends. it's "why are you single". then when you have a bf, it's "when are you getting married". then it's "when are you having kids/more kids". how about STFU?

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  7. Love this post girlfran. Although it made me SLIGHTLY terrified to meet you in real life, I now take back what I said about being sarcastic.. I take it back unless I get the first snarky thing you say to me and then I am sarcastic, but if not, I don't want to annoy you :-| Also I might hug you. I won't trace your tattoos though that's really effing weird, I hate HATE when people touch the one on the back of my neck because normally I don't know them or see them coming at me and it freaks me the fudge out.

    I love KC with all my loves, obviously, however, sometimes just a teensy bit of the sometimes, a small part of me wishes.. not that I was single, but that I had enjoyed my single time better. I had a sucky relationship and then was single for 3 or 4 years and I spent all that time pining after my friend's boyfriend's brother who wanted nothing to do with me (talk about a guy with issues) or dreaming about marrying a country music singer. I don't wish that I had slept my way around Sydney or anything, I just wish I had learned more about myself and enjoyed being alone more.. I was not good at being alone and was always upset and lonely and was convinced people hated me.

    Then I met KC, yadi yadi yada. We broke up for 5 months and after the initial heartbreak, I started to like myself. I enjoyed running, yoga, hanging out with my friends, reading, sleeping, hanging out with my mum... I thought, I'll move to America for a year, then I'll move to Europe, and oh what a life I will lead. I had all the dreams, I felt so empowered and I really liked myself. I was a teensy bit scared that no-one would love me ever again, I would never get married... Because all of your reasons + I'm really annoying and insecure and not very smart = who'd wanna spend the rest of their life with me?

    But anyway, I was ok with me. Finally. Took me 24 years. And then I moved to America and we got back together and then obviously you know the rest. I don't regret it at all, I wouldn't change a thing because obviously I love KC but I just wish I had taken more chances, wish I had lived a bit more.. I have the rest of my life to make memories with KC but I know I'll never move to Europe now, no big deal we'll just visit. But sometimes I wonder what life I would have lead if I chose to go to Europe first, or decided not to move to America because it was too hard? I almost cancelled my visa and flight, last minute decided to go.

    From what I know of you - you are awesome, amazing and fabulous all on your lonesome. Being happy with yourself and being alone is something not many people can say. I am positive you will find your solemate (hahaha get it?) but who wants to be with Mr Wrong in the meantime? Hells no. Enjoy your you time. Cause you are amazeballs.

    Anyway, I'm rambling. Don't you love how I always comment and make your posts about me? So rude.

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  8. I was in and out of relationships most of my twenties, spending several months in between guys being single too. I lived with roommates, and I lived by myself and feel I got to figure out who I was without anyone. And I think that everyone needs to do that at some point before they really settle down. Otherwise, you find yourself lost and cant really ever get that back. I met my husband when I was 27. I wouldn't change anything about my past because it made me the person that he fell in love with. I, like you, had many quirks I suppose....and it is all about finding someone who is ok with those...and you ok with theirs....

    I am so sick of others trying to make people feel bad about their life choices. If you are single, you are single. People need to stop asking you when you are going to be in a relationship. Then when you find someone everyone is all....when are you getting married. Then you finally get married, and people automatically assume you are going to start trying to have kids. Ummm stop rushing me through phases! No one says you have to get married...or have kids...you know?

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  9. Oh my gosh - a fling with a magician - now that is post worthy!! You're not undateable in the least!! You are a catch and you're not "supposed" to be any of those things until it's time for you to be in a relationship, living with someone, married, etc!!

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  10. #'s 1,2, and 5, also 3,4, and 6 are the reasons I'm single too.

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  11. i'd date you so hard if i had a penis. but i don't. sorry.

    also this made me lol out loud SO HARD. "A summer fling with a magician" and i don't know why. please tell me he did magic tricks for you.

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  12. i know there are a lot of great points i should be commenting on in this post (and they really are great) but i couldn't get past the magician. mainly because my roommate in college dated one. he had a horrible website for it and everything.

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  13. A magician? Ok so you are gonna need to spill about this one! You know I hardly ever dated seriously before I met my husband. Other guys just annoyed the crap out of me. I was content with my singleness and where I was in life. I think whe I quit looking and became ok with who I was, that's when I was ready mentally spiritually and emotionally to meet someone. To me you seem like you have such a great head on your shoulders and

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  14. Ok somehow got cut off... You have a great head on your shoulders and you know what you want and have your shit together. You seem way to mature and great to mess around with guys that don't.
    You are totally date able and if I were a dude I would so ask you out!

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  15. I haven't met you but I'm already proud of you. You shouldn't live your life for anyone else but yourself. And don't entertain anything that isn't good for you. When someone is right for you, you will know. But until then, girl keep loving single life. Do it up. Great post

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  16. There's no way you thought you were getting out of this without sharing this magician story right? All I can picture right now is you dating Gob from Arrested Development.
    I think you are amazing just the way you are, and I admire your independence! I really, really do. I think I told you before but I went through a similar way-too-long thing with a guy who was all kinds of wrong for me, and then right after that is when I started dating Ben, so I've never really been alone. Luckily Ben is also down with being together but not TOGETHER all the time, and we have different hobbies and things we like to do separately so, even though it took a long time, I've been able to "find myself" so to speak and actually start to like myself. But I'm sure that's not the same as it would if I had ever really been alone at any point, and I wonder about that sometimes.
    Also you know how I feel about what I/you/anyone *should* be doing at any point in life soooo I say you do you, boo.

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    Replies
    1. Also I posted this from the wrong Google account sooo...go me.

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  17. First of all, kudos to you, you don't have to have a guy! I'm glad you're completely comfortable with that fact. But you're not un-dateable, you just haven't found the right dateable guy ;) And 25 is still young!

    It's cliche'd but the right guy will come along at the right time.

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  18. I love how every single thing you listed is what I hear from people ALL THE TIME ! "Oh, I want a girl that has her own life and doesn't need me to rescue her" and yet they go for the complete OPPOSITE of that. Morons. Also, i love that i love you because of all the things you listed and constantly want you to come hang out 24/7 because of it. Just sayin.

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  19. I just discovered your blog, so hi! I am amazed, because these 6 reasons are EXACTLY why I am single. I am not a typical girl in aspects of being lovey dovey & cute, and I'm sarcastic almost to a fault - too many guys can't get on board with these things.

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  20. Lady you are just like me! The biggest reasons why I am undateable is because I am obsessed with my fandoms, I HATE HATE HATE the feelings of love, I don't want to see others poop or fart(really weird I know), and I am just a crazy gal overall. Too crazy for anyone and way too independent.

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