Try

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I'll probably never run a sub-8 minute mile. I may never run an 8:30 mile again. But two years ago I couldn't run a mile at all, and now I can run many miles in a row. A year ago it hurt me to run a 10-minute mile, and now I run comfortably at a 9:10 pace.

I might never twist my body into a full handstand scorpion, but today I can build and hold a headstand for as long as I want. I can't hold a handstand for longer than 10 seconds, but a few months ago I couldn't hold it at all.

I don't make a lot of money. I am not in love with my day job. I don't know what my ideal job is right now. But I know what I'm good at, and I know how I can make a living. I know that I can make a living on my own and depend on myself for anything in this tangible world I need. I know that every avenue I try to turn down in my career leads me closer to the right place. I know I'll find that place eventually.

I know that even if I don't ever find myself in a job that fulfills me wholly, I will still be wholly fulfilled. I will never live to work, and I will always work in a way that allows me to live a life I want to lead.

I'm not very good at romantic relationships. I'm not good at being taken care of and I'm madly skeptical of people who claim they want to take care of me. I'm insufferably independent sometimes and am easily annoyed. I am often misunderstood and I don't much care to be more understandable to most people. But I know who the people who do understand me are and I try my best to nurture my relationships with them. I make sure they know I love and appreciate them.

I often turn absolutely green with envy. I can be a very jealous person. I think thoughts I'm often not proud of, but I do my best—most days—to never say them out loud, because the universe is polluted enough. I try to let myself be motivated by jealousy, rather than feel defeated or hateful.

Sometimes, I don't try hard enough. I don't hustle enough. I don't chase every dream I have because I don't always think it will come to anything. I hesitate and procrastinate. I talk myself into goals that don't matter and out of ones that do. I tell myself I do this for the right reasons, and sometimes it's true: I try to separate the impulsive thoughts and hair-brained ideas from the actionable items that will bring me joy and a sense of accomplishment. I'm trying to get better with this.

I don't have faith in everything I do. I hold off on pursuing things I want to do because I'm afraid of wasting time and money on things that may not turn out to be worth it. I waste time and money anyway by not pursuing the right things. I'm learning to get better at correctly identifying each.

I worry a lot. I worry too much. I worry about things that don't much matter, and about things that I can do absolutely nothing to change. I live in the age of worry, but I'm trying not to worry my life away. I'm actually getting better at this every day. Sometimes there are setbacks, but I'm doing better.

I don't always do everything right, but I try to do right by everyone I meet. I'm often kinder to others than I am to myself, and have more than once been too kind to someone else. I've had my kindness mistaken for weakness. I've also been accused of being a bitch. I've been accused of being too serious. I've been accused of being uptight. I've acknowledged there are amounts of truth in varying degrees in all these accusations. I'm not perfect, but I never once claimed to be.

Most days, I like who I am. I realize that not everyone will like me, and there are plenty of people out there surely who don't, but I don't ask them to. I try to be pleasant to be around, but I don't need the company of many approving peers to feel comfortable in my skin.

Apparently, I get weirdly introspective the week before my 26th birthday and navel-gaze with the best of them. But I look inward for resolution and try not to project my dissatisfactions or shortcomings onto the world around me. I write blog posts inspired by John Mayer songs, but... well, no. There's nothing wrong with that.

Comments

  1. My favorite is that you don't live to work...that's where the rest of the world has us beat, their outlook on work and life - a true balance!! xo, Biana - BlovedBoston

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  2. I had to google the full handstand scorpion - holy moly that looks hard!
    I love what you said about working - I agree. I'll never live to work, but working in a way that lets you live the way you want - that's what matters to me.
    I would not have pegged you for a jealous person at all - and I say this in the kindest way, you hide it very well, I've never seen it. Not that I know you inside and out, of course. I understand jealousy.
    I think we are all - well, most people - kinder to others than to ourselves. I'm just starting to try and be as kind to myself as I would a stranger, but it takes time. The week before your birthday is a good time to be all weirdly introspective ;)

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  3. I'm relating to a lot of this, especially paragraph 5, about relationships. And not trying enough. I love when you write these kind of posts.

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  4. You wrote a personal post about yourself, but I think it's actually about everyone. Well, at least me! Not the first part though, but I'm doing my 3rd week of Couch To 5K, so maybe even me in the future. :) I love the general message. It's nice to stop once in a while and say: maybe I'm not the strongest/quickest/smartest person in the world, but I'm trying to do the best I can. And then keep trying :)

    Wandering Polka Dot

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  5. I know we have similar views on work, and I hope we both find a way to be fulfilled in the way that we need to be at work, without living to work.
    I think the fact that you feel like you don't hustle enough actually shows how much you *do* hustle. If you didn't, you wouldn't even be aware of the fact that you could be doing more, you'd just be content with what you were doing.
    I love what you said at the end about people liking you and not liking you. For me, growing up has meant learning and accepting that not everyone is going to like me - hell, there may be times when most people don't like me. But if I can find just one person who does, I feel like I'm doing okay.
    There are a lot of things you might not be right now, and maybe some things you might never be, but you are so many more important things: kind, funny, smart, inspirational, strong, and an amazing friend. I'm proud and happy to know you :)

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  6. ugh I left this big long comment and I think it disappeared into the internet ether.... sighhhh sorry if I somehow post twice but here we go: I went through some similar struggles when it came to my job when I was 24/25. I hated that I didn't love it. After a lot of conversations I came to the conclusion that my job will be a means of supporting a life i love outside of work. not everyone gets to have their dream job (i don't even know what mine would be which is part of the problem) but i make enough to support myself and have fun too. and hilariously, i wrote a blog post with a john mayer inspired title too...to the same song haha. we're both aries, i think, maybe that's why? lovely post. and if you cant navel gaze on your own blog, where can you?

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  7. Oh how you speak to me on some many levels with this post! I refuse to live to work. It is one thing if you truly enjoy what you do and find it exciting and rewarding and all that jazz...but it is so important to enjoy life and live balanced! I dont know that I will ever find my "dream job" or if one exists for me out there, but I love every other aspect of my life and am thankful for the job that I do have. It pays the bills, my coworkers are nice and the company is great. I find myself much more blessed than some! Or even where I was 3 or 4 years ago!

    I totally do this "I hold off on pursuing things I want to do because I'm afraid of wasting time and money on things that may not turn out to be worth it." Ugh why do we do this?! And worrying? Oh how I worry!!! I too find people mistake my kindness for weakness. And I have really grown to accept the fact that not everyone is going to like me, and that it is ok. Because you know what...I am not going to like everyone either. All you can do is be you! And you are pretty awesome, in my opinion!

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  8. I will be 38 in a few months and can still relate so much to this. Embracing all your flaws is a good thing, because they make you who you are. And there's nothing wrong with that.

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  9. <3<3<3 More wisdom than I've ever had in my entire life mashed into this < 800 word post. You inspire me and you don't even "try".

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  10. I love this post. You amaze me. I wish I could bake you a birthday cake for your 26th.

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  11. Love, love, love this so much. So many true & wise words that we don't sometimes stop to think about often enough. You are amazing, girlfriend.

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  12. .... i actually have no words. this is amazing. i love you. and you don't even have to try.

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  13. What beautiful thoughts! Oh, the twenties. They're a doozey, aren't they? At least, comforting though it's not, we're all in it together?

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  14. Preach!!! I love this post girlie. Sometimes I read your posts and think Alyssa is talking to you!!! haha I think we all go through these emotions, well at least i do. Some days I think what the hell am I doing with life and other days I think you know, you're alright Krys, you're doing an ok job and you're doing it better than last week or last year. In any event today is one of those days I needed to read this. I will never be perfect and neither will you but thats ok. We're doing ok.

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  15. I'm pretty sure we're practically the same person, except for the 9 minute mile thing.. and you're a yoga master and I'm all like, but I can't even hold Warrior 3 pose.. but otherwise, I have no concern for others understanding my weirdness (because if they don't just get it, it's not gonna work out) and I treat people they way I'd want to be treated (even if it rarely ever happens) and I love me, which is what matters! Happy (it's almost your) Birthday! :)

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  16. I love this post! It is a great reminder that while I may not be exactly where I want to be, I am at least on the right path and working on it. It is easy to be bummed that you aren't reaching your goal but you are farther than you were months or years ago ♥

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