Monday, February 20, 2017

It's been a hell of a week.

Last Monday evening, a cousin on my mom's side excitedly told me that she and her husband are expecting their rainbow baby boy in the fall. Tuesday afternoon as I was spooning leftover chicken into a bowl for lunch, my dad called from New Jersey to tell me his father was dead. Tuesday night, as all the kids and grandkids made their way to what used to be my grandparents' house, fights broke out among family members. Friday, when I returned to New Jersey for the funeral, was a beautiful almost-spring day. During the repast, I received three emails telling me I'm still unemployed—two outright rejections to my application, one rejection that followed an interview. Friday night, more fights broke out and uncomfortable decisions had to be made. Saturday evening, I trekked to New Jersey again, with David, to a dear friend's wedding and celebrated in my friend's joy as she married the love of her life.

It's been a hell of a week.

It's been the kind of week that makes you feel like you'll never catch up. The kind that leaves you with neglected emails and to-do list items, workouts undone, pages and pages unread, but too many episodes of RHONJ watched as distractions were necessary but brain power was in short supply. The kind where you're just waiting for routine to set back in... but when you're still not working and your life is sorely lacking in timetables and boundaries, it's a massive act of willpower that'll get you there. And that, too, is in short supply.

Last week was supposed to be a reset, and it turned out being a week I need a reset from. The constant up and down of emotions last week, the mix of joy and sadness, of loss and love, of receiving comfort and needing to comfort at the same time, made for a bit of an emotional explosion. I'm looking ahead to the coming days that will hopefully bring stability, grounding, and a new normal to my day-to-day.

I don't have much else to say about this. I have a lot of feelings about my grandfather's death, but not the ones you'd expect, and I don't know who reads here so I'll keep them offline. I don't think there's been enough space yet to wrap my head around what I've gained and lost this week, but I haven't written a thing in days and just now felt ready to put words to page. And that's why this place exists, right?

12 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry you had such a crazy week. Of course, I don't know your story with your grandfather, but I have very interesting and many times difficult relationships (or non relationships) with some of my grandparents so I feel that I can somewhat relate to the most likely mixed emotions that you are having. Just know that none of them are wrong and you are entitled to feel exactly like you feel and handle those however you want. Hope this week is better for you!

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  2. You have had quite the week, haven't you? I am sorry to hear about your losses. Death and job rejection are not fun topics. And when family fights and drama surround a death?? That is the worst! Sending you hugs!

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  3. hey, i'm really sorry for your loss, and for the bad week. hang in there!

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  4. Roller coaster weeks are the worst. Those that involve family are even more wrought with feelings. I can totally get you there. I love seeing posts where people just document what's happening, good, bad, and in between. I hope you have a week full of healing and getting through the tough parts of last week and fingers crossed for new opportunities to come your way!

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  5. i am so sorry for the mess of the week. i am here if you need to vent or talk about weird families. i'm sorry about your grandfather and all the fights that followed. i know we have similar feelings about certain sides of our families, but still. not a good thing to go through. hope the next few weeks are 100 times better :)

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  6. I'm sorry things aren't going your way lately (understatement of the year, I know). Keep your chin up and use this space, or don't, as you need to. That's a lot of heavy stuff going on - I hope the words you do write help you work it.

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  7. Family shit around death, man. Sometimes the weirdest things happen.

    Thinking of you as you recoup.

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  8. Death brings out the worst in people sometimes. I'm sorry that you have to deal with it amidst the other stuff, too.

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  9. Death sometimes shows you 'family's' true colours.... lemme tell you. I read you every week (because you're still my girl) but rarely comment (because embarrassed I still cant get it together to blog ha!) - still you are in my thoughts lady and lets hope the rest of the week kicks ass! Also glad there were some ups in the midst of the downs.

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  10. Warning: I'm going to sound like a cliché. These kinds of weeks can bring out the best of us, and the worst of us, and a blend of the two. I hope that you are able to navigate through it all, center yourself, focus, and breathe. Hell, I just sounded like a yoga teacher. ha! I hope you get a laugh at that. You probably need a good giggle through all of this as well.

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  11. I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope your week is better. You should treat yourself with doing something you love, that should bring your spirits up a bit. Hugs! <3

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  12. So much happening all at once. I'm so sorry to hear about the death of your grandfather and all of the feelings and drama that came from it. Hoping this week was better for you<3

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