Last Monday evening, a cousin on my mom's side excitedly told me that she and her husband are expecting their rainbow baby boy in the fall. Tuesday afternoon as I was spooning leftover chicken into a bowl for lunch, my dad called from New Jersey to tell me his father was dead. Tuesday night, as all the kids and grandkids made their way to what used to be my grandparents' house, fights broke out among family members. Friday, when I returned to New Jersey for the funeral, was a beautiful almost-spring day. During the repast, I received three emails telling me I'm still unemployed—two outright rejections to my application, one rejection that followed an interview. Friday night, more fights broke out and uncomfortable decisions had to be made. Saturday evening, I trekked to New Jersey again, with David, to a dear friend's wedding and celebrated in my friend's joy as she married the love of her life.
It's been a hell of a week.
It's been the kind of week that makes you feel like you'll never catch up. The kind that leaves you with neglected emails and to-do list items, workouts undone, pages and pages unread, but too many episodes of RHONJ watched as distractions were necessary but brain power was in short supply. The kind where you're just waiting for routine to set back in... but when you're still not working and your life is sorely lacking in timetables and boundaries, it's a massive act of willpower that'll get you there. And that, too, is in short supply.
Last week was supposed to be a reset, and it turned out being a week I need a reset from. The constant up and down of emotions last week, the mix of joy and sadness, of loss and love, of receiving comfort and needing to comfort at the same time, made for a bit of an emotional explosion. I'm looking ahead to the coming days that will hopefully bring stability, grounding, and a new normal to my day-to-day.
I don't have much else to say about this. I have a lot of feelings about my grandfather's death, but not the ones you'd expect, and I don't know who reads here so I'll keep them offline. I don't think there's been enough space yet to wrap my head around what I've gained and lost this week, but I haven't written a thing in days and just now felt ready to put words to page. And that's why this place exists, right?